A Letter To Myself

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Dear Me, I guess this is a weird start to a blog/diary. Instead of putting all my thoughts and ideas down into a leather book from smythson like I always do, I thought to myself, why not just publish a blog for the public to see, since the personal is also political, and what one person is experiencing in their private life must not be unique to the person, and I guess if my blog/ diary can help someone, I hope this helps you. Today is the 8th of February 2020, in a few months time, 5th of June 2020, I will be graduating from University and I don’t know how I feel about that. Am I excited? Yeah I guess I am, but do I feel sad that I am finally graduating? Not really. I remember when someone told me that the best time in life is high-school, I still could not to this day relate to that. In fact, I am so glad high-school was over, the ugliest and worst I felt about myself was when I was in high school. I was lazy and I didn’t feel beautiful. Anyhow, back to talking about my current situation, I am currently sitting in Cafe Nero, I wish I had fun and relatable people to hang around so we can actually do fun things together, and I know you’re probably sitting there thinking, what a loner. Nope, I do have plans with my friend Chane, but since I am trying to let my teeth heal, we have decided to meet up tomorrow instead of tonight. My wisdom teeth isn’t hurting so much anymore, and the pain I felt a few days ago doesn’t hurt as much as it does now, so my point is, things get better. As cliche as this sounds, things do get better. Am I happy? Nope not really. Life truly sucks, and no I don’t mean to sound pessimistic, but I came to this beautiful realisation this time last year sitting in du bois library reading, the art of not giving a fuck, and the book taught me to accept a negative situation, that life truly sucks and its all about suffering, and the more you accept that life sucks, the happier you are going to feel, because this means you don’t have any expectations for anyone and you just trust that God and the universe has a divine plan for you. Four days ago, the truth has finally set me free, I no longer give a shit about petty people or people who don’t make me feel too good, and I came to the realisation that the only person I can blame is myself, because they didn’t fuck me over, I was just too naive and have a good heart to have held someone at a high expectation. I don’t blame anyone for that, I only blame myself for thinking everyone is better than they actually are, and I am so proud of myself, because for the first time in a very long time, I can finally say to myself, you know what, I no longer have to give a shit about people as much as I used to anymore, I am truly a very kind, very genuine, very down-ass person and just because you don’t see the value in me doesn’t me I am unworthy of love, it doesn’t mean I am unworthy of happiness. There are 7billion people out there in the planet who probably has just as good of a heart as I do, and I know for a fact that I will and am going to find this group of people. I am going to have to live with myself for a long long longggg time, so the first person I want to build a relationship with is myself. I love myself and I know I deserve the best. So ok, no.1, I deserve great people in my life, no.2 I will cut people off unapologetically, and don’t you ever come up with the “im depressed" bullcrap, we are all depressed in one way or another, so being quote on quote “depressed" doesn’t justify for your crappy behaviour so cut that shit. Being kind is classy, being mean is low af. I am gonna be kind and nice to you, but that does NOT mean, I will be fooled by the same person again and again. I am very strong and very resilient. I am grateful for all the good people in my life who have my best interests, and for the bad ones, may God show me who they are and kick them out of my life so better people can come into my life.

Amen. I love me, thank you Doris for being so wise and strong.

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